First draft editorial writing - Major project

For my major project I have to write an article with a minimum of 500 words.  Last week I made my first draft and send this to my teacher Zoe so that I could receive feedback. 

First I struggled to come up with ideas to write about. In the drop in session I received really nice ideas from my teacher Zoe. I started to do research and from that moment on I could not stop writing. The main points I have used in my article are the history of gold and the fashion icons Cleopatra and Beyonce. 

Below you can see what feedback I have received from my teacher Zoe.

Except for a few minor errors in my punctuation, my structure wasn't quite correct and I didn't use enough paragraphs. The title needed to be more related to my subject and I needed to add more references. Also the part about Cleopatra and Beyonce was not extensive enough.

With this feedback I did even more research in Cleopatra and Beyonce so this paragraph is more extensive. I have read the text again to add more punctuation. marks. I have put a number of sentences in a different place so that there is more structure. I have made several paragraphs so that it is easier to read the article. Also the title is now related to my subject from the article.